February 18

Gosh. Well. Where to start.

Great Things:
I did a chin up. I had lots of help, bands and a workout partner egging me on. But I got my chin right over the bar. That was cool.

Not So Great Things:
My cat has been really sick. That upsets me, even though he’s really old.
The depression is fairly thick at the moment. I’m having a very difficult time, and though today, at this moment, I feel good, that good feeling is fragile and seems to evaporate very quickly at times. The sunshine helps, and getting out for walks helps, and I’m finding coffee is actually helping the mood quite a bit. But overall, it’s actually been serious. I’m examining a lot of things in my life and it’s been very difficult to face the future and even the day ahead.

Still, I’ve stuck to the three days a week at crossfit. I’ve been about 70% – 30% with eating on-plan.

I’ve lost 2 inches off my waist, 1 inch off my hips, and 2 lbs, but my fat percentage is the same. HUH?

February 13

FRIDAY THE 13TH YAY!

OAT:
My right knee is so sore that I’m worried about future ability to continue this kind of working out. I’m going to spend the weekend icing it and rolling out my upper leg to see if I can’t heal it and get those tight muscles to stop yanking my poor knee around. It hurts to walk down stairs at this point. I’ll throw in some pushups and leg raises just so something gets done on the upper body and abs today. Both my parents have terrible knees so it’s bloody likely that I do too.

I also wanted to comment on how eating well really does impact your workouts. The energy level required for crossfit is enormous and if you’ve eaten poorly, it’s nearly impossible to get through the workout. Honestly, it’s not a scam!

FOOD:
Trying a Bulletproof style coffee this morning. Has anyone tried this themselves? Thoughts?
How To Make Your Coffee Bullletproof.

Meal 1: Pork loin on spinach with balsamic and half an avocado.
Smoothie: Strawberries, PP, kale, almond milk and a spoonful of honey because I REALLY wanted today’s smoothie to taste great. Yesterdays was so gross I didn’t eat it.

I forgot all about the rest of this one…

February 11

I seem to be going in these cycles of tracking really well, very detailed, and then I hit an emotional snaggy patch and I can barely bother to note what kind of tea I’m drinking at the moment I drink it.

Some choices I made in pursuit of my goals:
At a staff meeting they served pizza. I ate the tops off the pizza and left the crust.
My cat was super sick and I thought he was going to die, but I made it to crossfit anyway, just for that hour because I knew I needed it, even though the workout was less than optimally effective because I felt absolutely sick to my stomach with worry. But I pushed through anyway (literally – push presses anyone?).

Ummmm. I drank red wine instead of beer?

Damn

The anxiety and depression have reached a fever pitch. I think the tearing of my muscles to build new tissue is releasing decades of stored up emotion. All kinds of anger, disappointment, regret, humiliation and the big ones, sadness and abandonment. I am, quite frankly, overwhelmed. I’m not sleeping. I’m sick. I’m scared and lonely. It’s really weird. Nobody talks about this part. Everybody says “working out will make you so much happier” but nobody talks about this. I have diarrhoea, I feel like I’m going to vomit and I can’t stop shaking and crying. It’s the worst it’s been since I started.

All stones in the pavement toward healing myself, I know, but nobody told me how difficult this part would be. This is different from when I was running and even when doing yoga. Those things are mild. In Yoga I had a few strong emotional releases while getting into my hips but with the weight lifting I am quite literally pulling my body apart and putting it back together.

All I can do is push through it.

February 7

FOOD:
Tea with milk. I didn’t get up very early this morning and then I faffed about so didn’t make lunch OR dinner and it’s a show shift work day (extra long), so I got lazy and bought my meals for today. I did have time to make a smoothie though, at least.

Meal 1: Vegan Carrot Cashew Sauerkraut ginger spread and wine sausage.

Smoothie: The usual.

Meal 2: Big ole chef salad with sweet onion oil dressing.

Felt like dessert so I had a bowl of vanilla yogurt and a handful of apple granola. Not entirely kosher, but very satisfying.

OAT:
I’m not doing ANYTHING today. I’m healing my strained calf muscle, trying to relax the pinch in my neck and to ease up on the right knee. I do plan to go for a light jog tomorrow but we’ll see how the body parts are holding up. I wish I could afford to do more maintenance, like rolfing and acupuncture and acupressure massage more often but at the moment that’s off the table. Maybe in a month’s time. Or I can just start dating a dude who knows how to massage *SMIRK*

Checkin’ in.

Yesterday I stood in front of the mirror in my undies and took a good look. I don’t actually weigh any less, but I can feel and see a little difference. So that’s encouraging. But mostly I wanted to take a moment to appreciate myself. Give a little love to something that gets a lot of undeserved abuse and criticism. We spend so much time look at what’s wrong, I thought I’d look at what’s right.

And I’ll be damned but it works. I felt amazing for the rest of the day. Not only was I able to go about my day not worrying that I looked weird or what people might think about how I look, I actually imagined people might think the same positive things about me that I had just thought about myself that morning. It made socialising easier. It made being in my own skin not a chore. And it shoudn’t be.

Even when on a workout plan and doing the right eating and all of that, there’s still a bit of pressure to be better, fitter, leaner, to succeed succeed succeed. And that itself is conforming to a body standard that is dictated by society. As I’ve said before and as it stands now, the only reason for me to be smaller is aesthetic. My medical feedback is excellent. My body is healthy. If anything, my size is testament to the emotional stress I put myself through, the adrenal fatigue and the anxiety. When we can let go of expectations, both our own and those of a shitty superficial culture, we can let go of the worrying and the criticism and self loathing. Fat is not ugly. Fat is just fat. Ugly is ugly, and the judgement we place on ourselves and others is where that ugliness lives.

wiftv1

October 2014 at 200 lbs.

I’m a stellar babe, people. There’s no “she’s fat but…” or “she’s cute for a fat girl” or “she has such a lovely face though”. I DID win a genetic lottery. I’m upright, I’m hardy and hale, I’m smart, and I take care of myself and my bizniss. THAT is what matters. Everything else is cake.

February 6

FOOD:
It was a weird food day. I watched the rugby at the pub at noon and the price of entry included a pint and lunch, so I made that my cheat meal. Hell of an enjoyable day. England won!

Meal 1: Two bison sliders and chips and two pints of ale.

Smoothie: The usual

After WO Smoothie: Pinapple, almond milk and PP.

Then I stopped being hungry. The After workout smoothie was at 7:30 and then I was done eating. I went to Sarah’s to watch movies and I just drank water the rest of the night. So definitely not enough food for the day, but I just didn’t want any more.

OAT:
2 rounds
20 Doubles (60 Singles) – I strained my left calf muscle a bit doing this. So my body is telling me it’s tired. I’ll take a break over Saturday and maybe a light jog on Sunday.
20 Air Squats
10 Scap Push-ups with 3 sec hold at top
5 Clean and Jerks – 35lbs

Front Squats (Deload)
35lbs x 5 reps
45lbs x 5 reps
55lbs x 5 reps – 3 times. This was enough. My wrists got very sore, as my flexibility is not up yet. Though I do think it’s improved since the beginning, so that’s something. Also, my right knee is being a jerk and I know exactly why. I need to roll out that quad and IT EVERY day.

43 Calorie Row
then 4 rounds:
3 Deadlifts
3 Plyo push ups – I was good at these!
3 Clean and Jerks
then after 4 rounds finish with:
43 Calorie Row
2 rounds 72 sec Plank  – I’m finding that doing planks after lots of shoulder work is murder. My shoulders are so tired that holding me up in a plank is hard. My abs feel ok but my shoulders want to die. Guh.