The anxiety and depression have reached a fever pitch. I think the tearing of my muscles to build new tissue is releasing decades of stored up emotion. All kinds of anger, disappointment, regret, humiliation and the big ones, sadness and abandonment. I am, quite frankly, overwhelmed. I’m not sleeping. I’m sick. I’m scared and lonely. It’s really weird. Nobody talks about this part. Everybody says “working out will make you so much happier” but nobody talks about this. I have diarrhoea, I feel like I’m going to vomit and I can’t stop shaking and crying. It’s the worst it’s been since I started.

All stones in the pavement toward healing myself, I know, but nobody told me how difficult this part would be. This is different from when I was running and even when doing yoga. Those things are mild. In Yoga I had a few strong emotional releases while getting into my hips but with the weight lifting I am quite literally pulling my body apart and putting it back together.

All I can do is push through it.