Morning tea with milk, served with a cup of disillusionment, frustration and annoyance that I didn’t win the cultural genetic lottery that is hopefully on the way out.
Meal 1: Salmon on a gross amount of spinach with avocado, pumpkin seeds and balsamic reduction. I think I better throw some cucumber in there too.
Smoothie: The usual.
Meal 2: Yams with butter. Way too full.
Post WO Smoothie: PP with pineapple, kiwi and almond milk.
Let’s do this. I’ve never been this heavy for this long a period of time. I feel like a moose in a knitting store, and if you want evidence that the way women are portrayed in the media is harmful, I just saw the announcements for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue on facebook (against my will, thank you news feed) and both the regulation cover model AND the featured “plus-size” model made me feel inadequate, bodily-ugly, and invalid. So I get to begin my day having to bring myself UP to feeling somewhat normal before I can even begin to start feeling great. Lovely.
I’m tired. I’m frustrated, I feel like I’m never doing enough. The guilt can be overwhelming. Every day I address my terror of food. My relationship with food is not a good one. Even though I’m 98% eating the way I’m supposed to on this plan, I still think I’m eating too much, or eating something wrong, or every bite is wrong. This cup of tea with milk in it, something I immensely enjoy on a personal level, on a social/fat person level is making me feel unnerved. That’s fucked up.
And the lonely part is that there isn’t really anyone to talk to about it. Nobody knows what to say except to try to cheer you up, and it just gets tiresome for them hearing about it, I’m sure. So it’s my problem and mine alone and when people ask you how you’re doing, you just have to answer “I’m great, thank you” and move on.
9:30 The rest of the day got a little better, though still emotionally drained and low spirits.
(need to up my cardio, I think, to compliment the weight lifting. There’s a bit of cardio in the conditioning part of crossfit, but I’m not sure it’s enough at this stage.)
Warm-up with some deadlifts, push presses and jumping rope, then pike walkouts.
Deadlifts: I feel pretty solid in these, for sure.
35lbs x 5 reps
55lbs x 5 reps
65lbs x 5 reps
75lbs x 5 reps
75lbs x 5 reps
5 rounds for reps:
30 sec Push Press (35lbs), 30 sec Rest – I did well with these at first but my shoulders started burning like crazy by the last two rounds.
30 sec Singles (halved numbers for doubles), 30 sec Rest – jumping rope is fun but my shoes are too knobbly and they keep catching on the rope. GAH. Need new shoes. Maybe next month.
45 sec Side Plank
45 sec Side Plank (other side)