February 5

Morning tea with milk, served with a cup of disillusionment, frustration and annoyance that I didn’t win the cultural genetic lottery that is hopefully on the way out.

Meal 1: Salmon on a gross amount of spinach with avocado, pumpkin seeds and balsamic reduction. I think I better throw some cucumber in there too.

Smoothie: The usual.

Meal 2: Yams with butter. Way too full.

Post WO Smoothie: PP with pineapple, kiwi and almond milk.

Let’s do this. I’ve never been this heavy for this long a period of time.  I feel like a moose in a knitting store, and if you want evidence that the way women are portrayed in the media is harmful, I just saw the announcements for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue on facebook (against my will, thank you news feed) and both the regulation cover model AND the featured “plus-size” model made me feel inadequate, bodily-ugly, and invalid. So I get to begin my day having to bring myself UP to feeling somewhat normal before I can even begin to start feeling great. Lovely.

I’m tired. I’m frustrated, I feel like I’m never doing enough. The guilt can be overwhelming. Every day I address my terror of food. My relationship with food is not a good one. Even though I’m 98% eating the way I’m supposed to on this plan, I still think I’m eating too much, or eating something wrong, or every bite is wrong. This cup of tea with milk in it, something I immensely enjoy on a personal level, on a social/fat person level is making me feel unnerved. That’s fucked up.

And the lonely part is that there isn’t really anyone to talk to about it. Nobody knows what to say except to try to cheer you up, and it just gets tiresome for them hearing about it, I’m sure. So it’s my problem and mine alone and when people ask you how you’re doing, you just have to answer “I’m great, thank you” and move on.

9:30 The rest of the day got a little better, though still emotionally drained and low spirits.

(need to up my cardio, I think, to compliment the weight lifting. There’s a bit of cardio in the conditioning part of crossfit, but I’m not sure it’s enough at this stage.)

Warm-up with some deadlifts, push presses and jumping rope, then pike walkouts.

Deadlifts: I feel pretty solid in these, for sure.
35lbs x 5 reps
55lbs x 5 reps
65lbs x 5 reps
75lbs x 5 reps
75lbs x 5 reps

5 rounds for reps:
30 sec Push Press (35lbs), 30 sec Rest – I did well with these at first but my shoulders started burning like crazy by the last two rounds.
30 sec Singles (halved numbers for doubles), 30 sec Rest – jumping rope is fun but my shoes are too knobbly and they keep catching on the rope. GAH. Need new shoes. Maybe next month.

Total: 212

3 rounds
45 sec Side Plank
45 sec Side Plank (other side)


February 4

Morning tea with milk today. I felt really hungry when I woke up so that fixed it. 10:00am

Meal 1: 1:00pm I was feeling a little over-proteined, so I had three eggs and some egg whites scrambled up with butter, green pepper, shallots and mushrooms with a little parmesan on top. I think that doesn’t quite make the 30g of protein requirement for this meal but that’s ok. That’s also a lot of eggs, but I haven’t actually eaten eggs in like a week, so I figured it was ok.

Shake: 3:45pm The usual. Same as yesterday. In fact, it’ll be the same every day unless I do something different which I’ll document. Took me an hour and a half to drink it. So full. Dinner may have to wait until 8:00.

Afternoon tea: I brought tea with milk with me to work today. It’s a long one, and I’m here until 8:00. I was worried about feeling snacky so I thought tea might assist with that. I’m also considering reversing the triangle of eating and having the 50g protein meal first in the day, and the smaller one for dinner. Start big, you know?

Meal 2: I had a stupid eve. I had some pork and mustard and then cracked up and had vanilla yogurt and granola. GAH.

So looking forward to taking it easy tonight, doing a little laundry and sorting out the horror that is my apartment. In cold sore news, I used lemon oil on it and it dried up almost immediately. I’ve now switched to lavender oil to heal the remaining scab (ugh). Here’s hoping that will work fast. No crossfit today, as Wednesday is my usual day off and I hadn’t booked anything. Thursday, Friday are next, and maybe Saturday morning for my bonus fourth if I’m feeling it…


February 3

I went to crossfit early in the day – 9:30 – so I had my first meal at 11:30, which was the after-work-out shake. Though it was a little late.

WO Shake: Almond milk, pineapple up the wazoo and protein powder (I hate typing that out. PP from now on).
Meal 1: Ground pork I wanted to use up with avocado and a bit of tomato sauce and parm.
Shake: Almond milk, PP, almond butter, wheatgrass and spinach and a whack of strawberries
Meal 2: Chicken breast wrapped in prosciutto, kale toasted in grapeseed oil and a fistful of quinoa reheated in butter.

Party in evening: I drank too much. Sigh. So no more booze this week. It was an Elaine Stritch tribute, so there had to be booze. Shrug. We also had snacks, and I stopped eating them around 9. So my eating window today was 11:30 – 9.  A little longer than it is supposed to be but still not bad. I ate paleo friendly snacks, like carrot fritters, but also a little cheese.

Warmed up with some power cleans, pushups and air squats.

Back Squats:
5 x 25lbs
5 x 35lbs
5 x 45lbs
5 x 50lbs
5 x 55lbs
A bonus 5 x 55lbs.

My knees were sensitive and I didn’t want to go NUTSO on the back squats, plus this is a de-load week? Whatever that means. Regrouping I suppose. But I felt quite strong, and just focused on getting the squats lower and getting more flexibility in my left ankle, stupid thing. I do think the acupuncture might help, since I noticed an improvement in my neck already.

Then we did AMRAP in 3 minute rounds:
3 Power Cleans – I did 35lbs and in retrospect I could have done heavier. Next time.
6 push ups – Man these really are my weakest move. I am improving SO SLOWLY, but honestly, by the time I get to the second round it takes forever to do them. What a struggle.
9 air squats – I can do these all day, no sweat, so I’m working on keeping the weight really back on the heels to not overload my already overloaded quads, keeping my knees pushed out so not to strain them, and getting as low as I can with that damn ankle.

I got 3 rounds + 8, 2 rounds + 7, 2 rounds + 3, 2 rounds + 4, and 2 rounds + 4. I sacrificed a bit of speed (well, I couldn’t’ go any faster on those pushups) to make sure my form was PERFECT. And it was.

February 2

Afternoon… I have what might be a little flu, and what certainly is a wretched and rather large cold sore. To me, that means I am super run down. This week has been harder on my body than I thought. I’m going to go a little easier on it this week. The hard time sleeping, the anxiety, etc. Overall it’s been a shock to my system.

This morning I had a session at a Traditional Chinese Medicine school. I was cupped and acupunctured and it so laid me out that the rest of the day was a write off. I cancelled everything. The cold sore plus the treatment plus the borderline flu laid me flat.

I think I needed to just take the day.

Write Off

Today is just a write off. I had a latte for breakfast, a pair of pork sausages, which were lovely. Then I had a SanPellegrino Clementine soda and I’m lying on the couch watching Broadchurch and contemplating Superbowl Socializing, which will mean food and booze, most likely, though at the moment I’m quite full and satisfied.

The fasting yesterday was a disaster. I think that it’s something I won’t attempt next week. Perhaps instead, I’ll just do an even shorter eating period than the usual day’s 8 hours. It backfired in that the longer I put off eating, the more obsessed with the thought of eating I became. That’s the usual recipe for bingeing, for me. Maybe on a fasting day I’ll start at 11 and end at 5. Experiment, listen to your body, experiment.

Additionally, I’m going to continue the intermittent fasting this week and see if the insomnia and anxiety continues…

Well. Monday is a new day, fresh week, start again. I don’t feel like I’ve undone all the great stuff I did this week, so no guilt or shame. I feel quite strong, not bloated at all, comfortable in my skin, comfortable in my clothes. Just living my life.

Fasting Day – January 31st

Hello kids!

Some notes about how I felt after last night’s cheat extravaganzaaaa (that word is incapable of existing without the extra a’s):

I found that after my big nacho binge, my nacho buddy suggested we get dairy queen and I didn’t actually feel like it or want it. I am not that heavy a sweet-tooth to start with but I’m pleased to see that even though I was given free rein to chow down, I didn’t actually want to. I also didn’t feel like drinking much booze either. We shared the pitcher of sangria, and that was great, then I poured myself a vodka soda, which I drank half of. I also had a glass and a half of pink prosecco, but all of that was not nearly what I’m usually able to consume in a party setting. So neither good nor bad, just an interesting effect the week of specific eating followed by wild abandon had on me.

We then had to look up the difference between ‘sated’ and ‘satiated’.

This morning I find the only detriment I’m suffering is a sense of dehydration (salty salty food and booze) thus sporting a pair of very attractive bags under my eyes. But no gastrointestinal distress or anything. Hurrah for me. I did opt for a meal that didn’t have any wheat in it. I’m glad for this, because a huge meal with wheat usually leaves me lying on the floor whining about how uncomfortably full I am. Good choice.

Today is a fasting day.  Tea, and since I’m new at it, a little chicken broth mid afternoon, and lots of water. We’ll see how this goes. I’m not very good at not eating. I get hangry.

1:22 pm. Mm. Low sodium Chicken Broth. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzsnx. Everything is terrible. Also it’s giving me awful breath. Wow.

3:05 pm I’m reading up on tips with fasting and intermittent fasting and I found something rather interesting regarding fasting for women. I have indeed had problems falling asleep this week. Wednesday night was particularly bad, and I had terrible anxiety. Thursday night wasn’t great, but not as bad. Last night was ok because I ate a truckload of nachos and drank and went to bed at 2am anyway. But now I wonder if the fasting is a good idea? Perhaps I should increase my eating window to 10 hours instead of 8? I could give the thing I’m doing one more week to see if the sleeplessness improves but if not, I can see the problem. Anyway, with this in mind I’ve decided to have one meal today, and have it be a proper full meal with veggies and protein and fats, and see how that goes. I’m finding not eating for a day really tough in terms of mental function and mood, that’s for sure. Grumpy and hungry and angry. Grangry.

OK I had steak and sauerkraut with carrot cashew spread. I ate it all between 6pm and 8pm. So that was nearly a 24 hour fast to be followed by a 16 hour fast. I suppose that’s something.


Tracking – January 30

WHEEEE! It’s nacho day. I’m having a nacho cheat meal tonight. Since cheese is the one thing I have to reduce/mostly eliminate, I can pretty much guarantee that my weekly cheat meal is going to be cheese-based. So much cheese I’m going to have cheesemares. The best kind.

Meal 1: Carrot Cashew Chili spread with gypsy wine sausage.

Smoothie: Protein powder, almond butter etc. The usual.

Meal 2 (cheat day!): Massive nachos at Foundation. The fun part is that there’s no wheat in any of this, so I won’t get weird stomach cramps tomorrow like I would if I cheated with pizza. Sour cream and salsa. Guac I’m going to give a miss because I get enough avocado all week. I’m not throwing down $3 for glorified avocado. I also had half a pitcher of sangria and a vodka soda.

I was meant to go to crossfit for class #4 this week, but I had such a terrible sleep the night before and my knees were so achy last night that I thought it better for my health to sleep longer and rest my knees. I massaged in some Voltron or whatever it’s called and that helped, but at the moment, even descending stairs is a little sore for me. I stretched a bit this morning and I’ll do the same tonight. Must. Roll. ITBand.